South Park Goes to Israel
by FrenchyBaguette
Summary: Kyle's moving away to the holy land, but some very unholy things may ruin his new life. Eric probably has something to do with it.
1. Moving Day

South Park goes to Israel

"Goodbye guys..." said Kyle glumly as he gave his lifelong friends his final goodbyes. "Almost time to go, Bubby." Said his mother poking her head out the door to the house. The moving truck would be here any time now and most of their stuff had been loaded into boxes in the garage. They were gonna have it all shipped to their new home.

"Dude I can't believe you're actually leaving." said Stan hugging his super best friend tightly around his shoulders.

"Ugh, geez get a room, homos!" shouted a familiar fatass in the distance. Kyle wasn't in the mood to deal with Cartman right now, in fact, that only made his urge to leave even greater. He didn't wanna leave Stan or Kenny, yet he wanted to get as far away from Eric Cartman as possible. Oh how he wished he could take his two friends along with him to the nice warm land of milk and honey and leave the fatass in the cold dirt and snow where he belonged.

"Go away, fatass!" shouted Kyle. Cartman's expression was unreadable, he was staring at all the boxes in Kyle's garage and Kyle could practically hear the gears turning in Eric's head. That's when the moving truck pulled up to the driveway. Cartman looked down at the snowy ground then quickly looked back up at Kyle.

"So you really are leaving? I thought you were just bullshitting..." mumbled Eric. He seemed taken aback at the notion of Kyle actually leaving. "Yeah, so you'll have to find another Jew to pick on..." Kyle thought about his choice of words, that wasn't a smart thing to say when you were about to move to a Jewish country.

"Yeah, I guess..." They just stood there for about two minutes before Kyle said, "But maybe you'd be better off without me anyway, you never liked me, and I can't say I've always enjoyed your company either."

"Yeah..." Said Eric. He thought he'd be happy with Kyle moving away, but he realized that without Kyle to pick on, there really wasn't any purpose in his life anymore. His mom was a whore who was always out with some new boyfriend, and the only other person who tolerated his existence was Butters. Eric didn't like Butters that much though, but...did he like kyle?

Kyle was feeling similarly. He thought the notion of leaving Eric behind at first was a joyous and happy thing, but the more he thought about it, the more distressed he became. Moving was one thing, but moving to another country was something different entirely. He'd have to make all new friends and learn the languages of the country and basically start his whole life over again. Nothing would be the same and he'd miss all his friends. Even Eric.


	2. A New Home

Chapter 2: New Home

Kyle awoke drowsily from his about 11 hour flight. He was drifting in and out of sleep, with many thoughts going through his head. He thought of his friends, how they'd get by without him. He wondered what his new school would be like, he hoped the kids wouldn't pick on his accent when he'd try to speak Hebrew. But most of all, he thought of the fat ass. On the one hand, he was happy that he wouldn't have to deal with his anti-semitic remarks anymore, on the other hand, he'd miss the almost special attention Eric gave him. Plus he was relieved to not be the only Jew in school anymore, and he wouldn't feel envious of the kids who got Santa Clause, even though he's known for years now that Santa isn't real.

It was nice to drift asleep over the bright blue Mediterranean. He figures maybe he won't have to wear his hat and jacket anymore, just because it'll be so hot all the time.

"Hey mom...", "Yes, bubby?" said his mom with her nose in one of those airplane catalogs.

"Will I need my hat and jacket? I mean is it gonna be super hot all the time?", "Oh no, kyle. Where we'll be living gets pretty heavy snow during the winter, but on the bright side is that it's not nearly as much as in South Park."

His father had been offered a job in Israel, at first Gerald wasn't sure if he wanted to take it, but it didn't take him long to change his mind, especially when he saw how much bullying kyle went through from Eric. He didn't want Ike to deal with the same thing, so he decided that it would be the best time for his family make aliyah.

'I wonder what our house looks like...' Kyle thought sleepily. He couldn't wait for the plane to land...

The plane finally landed at Ben Gurion Airport. He'd never seen so many Jews in one place before. Alot of them looked like the really religious ones who wore kippah's all the time and tzunits under their clothes. While his father did wear a kippah, they weren't exactly religious; they didn't keep shabbat, or kosher either. He also noticed a lot of the women wearing hair coverings and long skirts, and they had lots of kids as well. He was definitely starting to feel like an outsider now, until he saw a bunch of kids with their parents, they looked more hip and secular like kyle (well he liked to think he was hip anyway) walking around with cell phones and ipods and wearing just less conservative clothes, maybe this place wasn't just for the ultra religious and he'd be able to fit in alright.

'Maybe this place won't be so bad after all...'

"So mom," said Ike, he was about 6 now, and Kyle was 13. "Where's our new house, again?" She beamed at Ike and Kyle and said, "We found a really affordable place in Jerusalem. I was really surprised, it's normally really expensive in the bigger cities." Kyle's eyes widened. This was only the place he'd been told about in Sunday school and it always seemed like just a fairy tale to him, now he was actually gonna live there. Certainly after living in a city like south park all his life, Jerusalem wouldn't seem like a big deal, yet it was.

"So what do you think, kyle?" His mother asked as they pulled their luggage off the conveyer belt, "What do you think of your new home? The land of your ancestors?"

I thought about it, he had always been told this was the land of his ancestors, even if his skin wasn't as dark as most of the locals there were still some things about him that fit, such as the nose and the curly hair.


	3. Meanwhile back home

Chapter 3: Meanwhile back home

Eric was having a hard time adjusting to kyle being gone. No one to rip on although he still had Kenny he could rip on for being poor.

'Nah, it's no use,' he thought to himself. 'Why do I miss that Jew? Did I just like ripping on him and giving him a hard time all the time?' He tried to forget about it for a moment. He walked to the bus stop, the usual crew was there except for kyle of course.

"Hey Cartman," called his sort-of buddy Stan. He and Stan had a different kind of friendship then Stan did with Kyle, unlike with stan you never would get the impression that Cartman and kyle were secretly butt-buddies, they just fought too much.

"How you holding up without your favorite ginger punching bag?" asked Kenny slyly. Cartman shrugged as if it didn't bother him, when he really wanted to break his nose. "None of your business, Kenny!" he spits at him and he just smirks and wipes his face. Stan looks at cartman, his hands in his pockets and says,

"Dude, it's OK if you miss him." Says Stan. Cartman looks at him seemingly surprised. Really he's just embarrassed to miss him like he does. "Yeah, whatever-", "A-HA! So you DO miss him!" blurts Kenny, Cartman gives him a 'Don't fuck with me' kind of look, to which he quickly backs away.

"Like I was saying before, it's ok if you miss Kyle. We all miss him, right Kenny?" kenny looks up and says "Yeah, of course!"

"But I thought I HATED that stupid kike!", Cartman blurts,

"I thought I'd be HAPPY he was gone! What's the matter with me?!"

"Maybe it's because you don't really hate him." Says kenny knowingly. Cartman looks down at the snow sadly, then kenny adds, "Well at least he'll be around other people who are like him, I don't think you'd be able to survive living in a place like that." he smirks and cartman glares at him. What is he saying?

"What are you talking about? Why would I wanna live in Jew-country?" By this point the bus had come and stan had got on it, kenny and cartman were too wrapped up in the discussion to notice.

"I'm just saying if you missed him enough you'd go try to see him.",

"Look. I'll admit I MIGHT miss that stupid little jew, but there's no way i'd ever go to jew-country!",

"Why? I can tell that you care about him, why don't you just admit it? You can't lie to me, you're so easy to read."

"GODDAMMIT KENNY! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!",

"Go ahead, asshole. I'm no stranger to death!" he shouts, unintimidated. He was right, it was no use killing him, he'd just come back tomorrow anyway.

Eric went home that day thinking about what Kenny had said. Would he really go that far out of his way to see kyle? He'd done crazier things before, and this certainly wouldn't be the weirdest thing he's done, not that he wanted to do it anyway, right?


	4. The New Old City

Kyle's POV

I really like our new house. It's solar powered and has skylights in nearly every room. What I wasn't expecting was to see so many stray cats around here, but I guess that's no big deal. Sure is nice to have a day without hearing some anti Semitic remark. But one thing I wasn't counting on was this strange conflict between the Jews and the Arabs. Even though we have some Arabs living right across the street from us, they seem pretty nice. I'm just unpacking the last box in my room.

Jerusalem isn't what I thought it would be, I thought it would just be some ancient relic city, it's got its ancient old side, but then there's the hip modern side I live closest to. It's just weird to see people walking around in tight hipster clothes with ipods and cell phones in the city i've been taught about in sunday school is some great sacred holy place. It didn't really bother me, it was just a paradox almost.

"Alright Kyle, have a good first day of school, and try speaking Hebrew to the kids, you get more practice that way." said my mother as I was about to board the school bus. I spot a seat in the back that's available. I sit next to some olive skinned boy with brown curly hair, he kinda looks like me without the hat on all the time and like he spends more time in the sun (well no duh).

"Uhh, Shalom, Ani Kyle." I said with what hebrew I've managed to pick up the last two months since we moved here.

"Ani Chaim." he said. His name meant "life". "Are you new here?" he asked in english, "Yeah...how'd you know?"

"Your accent. It's alright. Lots of anglo-olim have an accent when they speak hebrew." he says sympathetically. Dang.

"Yeah, i'm trying to get into the accent, it's hard." I say.

"Yeah, practice is all you need, you'll do fine. When'd you move here? And why?" he asks.

"My dad got a job here." I said, "How do you know english?"

"My mom's american and she made aliyah so she could marry my dad, he was still serving in the army at the time. We speak english and hebrew around the house, but they teach us it in school very early on." he says. He didn't have an accent when he spoke english, it was pretty good.

"So where did you move from?" he asks,

"South Park, Colorado." I said. He gives me a weird look. "Never heard of it." he says. "I've visited my relatives in new york many times before, it's really nice there.", "Well there's more to america then just new york. Trust me. I come from a REALLY strange small town.".

He gives me a look like he wants to know more, so I start telling him everything, about my friends back home, all the weird things that happen in south park, and of course about the fatass. As I talked about Cartman he shuddered at what I said about him killing Scott Tenorman's parents and grinding them into chili, among the other things, he was also disgusted at how I talked about how big an anti semite he was.

"Why did you put up with a kid like that?! I would have kicked his ass a long time ago!" he says. "Trust me, I have. I don't really know. It's a small town and you just kinda wind up attaching yourself to people, y'know?"

The bus finally stops at our school, it doesn't look that much different from the one in south park except most of the signs and stuff are in hebrew, some stuff in arabic, and a lot of russian, and some english.


	5. Old Town Jerusalem

I spent most of my first day hanging out with Chaim, talking about my various adventures in south park. He was especially fascinated at the Coon and Friends gig we did for awhile, even though it was mostly pretend, I also told him about Kenny's inability to die and his eyes grew as wide as dinner plates. The only reason I remember is because one time he had a camera set up, and when he got hit by a truck and came back the next day, he showed us.

"That's incredible!" he said. "Well, we had been used to it by then, but we were surprised as to why it kept happening. Death is just gay for him." I said shrugging.

"Jerusalem is pretty weird too, maybe not your kind of weird but still." he says. "Hey, do you wanna go check out the old city? I know you live in the more modern part, but the old part is cooler and more mysterious."

I think about his offer. I could stand to go exploring, plus it's been awhile since I've been on some random adventure.

"OK, I'll go."

We hop the public bus. It's called the Egged bus. Funny name, but anyway, as we arrive at the old city's ancient walls, I can't help but think that I still can't believe this is really happening to me, living here, and no more fatass.

But at the same time, I can't help but think of him, I mean even though he was a self righteous jerk, we had gone through a lot together, I had saved his life a few times and he's saved mine, and neither of us had to either, we could have just let each other die all those other times if we hated each other so much.

_Dammit, why can't I stop thinking about him?_

As we wander around the alleyways and cobblestone streets, it feels almost like ancient times, minus some of the modern stuff. We wander into an outdoor market, they sell all sorts of stuff here. It's almost like an outdoor mall.

"You gotta haggle with them, or they won't respect you." says Chaim as he buys what looks like one of those arab headdresses. "Here, it's an israeli keffiyah, here we call them Kosher Keffiyahs." He helped me tie it around my face, it kinda made me feel like a jewish ninja.

"There's also this ancient temple place I wanted to check out for awhile now, I think I know where it is, but I don't know for sure."

"Sure, i'll come with you, but where is this place?" I ask confused. "Somewhere around here, I believe..."

_Meanwhile in South Park..._

_GOD DAMMIT! WHY CAN'T I STOP THINKING ABOUT THE JEW?! _I thought to myself as I sat on the couch watching Terrance and Phillip. I'd been drifting farther apart from Stan and Kenny these days. Meanwhile butters has been trying to hang out with me more, it's pissing me off. Way to abandon me, guys. I'm seriously thinking about going to Jew-Land now, just to see kyle of all people! I'm just lonely, yeah. No one I really like hanging out with to talk to anymore, at least he tolerated my existence for the most part.

Later I go up to my room and just lie on my bed. I wish I didn't miss Kyle so much, and I just don't know why, but I can't help myself.

"You miss him, don't you?" Calls a familiar voice, surprisingly unmuffled, it's Kenny. He climbed up to my bedroom window, opens it, and comes in, damn he's good.

"Look, man, i'm sorry me and stan have been abandoning you lately, it's just that, things just haven't been the same since kyle left. You think you're the only one who feels it, but it's affecting all of us. You aren't the only one who feels alone, stan hasn't been talking to me hardly at all the last two months. We still wait for the bus together, but hardly a word is passed between us." says Kenny glumly looking down at the floor.

"Look, I can tell you really wanna see him, bring him back even, but even if you can't bring him back, the least you can do for yourself is just see him, see how he's doing and tell him his friends say hi.",

"Why do you suddenly care about my feelings?",

"Because only you would be so willing as to go to the middle east just to see someone you care so deeply about. I can tell Kyle cares about you too, Eric."

Dammit, how does Kenny know all this stuff? Guess it doesn't really matter, but now i'm sure I know what I wanna do.


	6. Can't believe I'm doing this

Chapter 6: Can't believe I'm doing this

I pack my suitcase and go downstairs. My mom thinks I'm going on some exchange program, minus another kid coming over here. I may regret doing this later, but god dammit I just wanna see kyle again. Yes I admit it, I don't like to admit it, but it's the god honest truth and I have to face up to it.

I catch the bus to the airport and get my stuff checked in. Now it's a matter of waiting.

'I wonder if Kyle would answer the phone if I called him...' I dialed his number, and I was relieved when he actually answered.

"Shalom" I wasn't familiar with Hebrew, but that sounded like it meant "Hi" or something. "Uh, yeah hi Kyle, it's me Eric..."

"Oh, what are you calling for?" he asks surprised. I'm surprised he didn't call me "Fatass" like he always did. "Uhh, no reason really. I just called to see how you were doing."

"O-Oh..." Kyle's voice cracked like he was nervous, he sounded so...cute? What?! NO! NOT CUTE, it was something though, something totally not like him but I liked it anyway...

Kyle cleared his throat and said, "I'm getting by just fine, thank you." he said narcissistically. I gulped, I figured he might be having a nice time but I didn't think he'd be such a jerk about it, but maybe I deserve it...wait? NOOOO! This is KYLE we're talking about! He deserves everything I give him!

"Stan and Kenny really miss you..." I said and then paused. I knew I wanted to say I missed him too, but he didn't sound like he wanted to hear it.

"So then why haven't they called at all?" he asked. Stan and Kenny never called him? How could that be? They were better friends with him then I ever was...

"Wait, I'm your only friend to call you...", "Well I wouldn't call you a friend." he said. Man he's really starting to piss me off.

"Hey! I didn't have to call you you know!"

"Then why did you, fatass?!" he shouted. Should I tell him the truth? Because I genuinely miss him?

"I just wanted to see how you were doing!" I blurted. People were starting to stare at me now as I go through the airport terminal, I try to avoid their gazes but it's getting difficult.

"Look, Eric, I'm happy here, I've made some awesome new friends, WAY better then you or anyone else in that crappy little town! I don't need you guys anymore!"

Eric was dumbstruck, this didn't sound like Kyle at all. Maybe something happened earlier to make him mad, because there's no way kyle would imply that he at LEAST didn't care about stan or kenny.

"But what about Stan and Kenny?!"

"If they really cared about me they'd at least call, or send an email, or fuck, even write a letter or something! But have they? NO they haven't! I guess all those adventures we went through were for nothing!" kyle shouted into the phone along with some hebrew cuss words. There was a tense silence over the phone for a few minutes until I decided to break the silence.

"I gotta go, Eric. Have a nice life." he hangs up and by this point I have borded my plane and they won't let us off. I can't believe i'm about to make this voyage for pretty much nothing now. Kyle hates me, not only me he hates everyone in south park now.

* * *

Meanwhile in the land of milk and honey, Kyle was having a bit of a nervous breakdown. He missed his friends, he didn't really mean what he said about stan and kenny but he was so mad just hearing eric's voice that he took his pent up frustration out on him. He had just gotten back from hanging out with Chaim around the old city. They didn't make it to that ancient temple area he wanted to go to, but they saw a lot of the outdoor markets.

Truth was he didn't really hate eric at all. He was just as confused as he was.


	7. Go with the PLO

Chapter 7: Go with the PLO

I look over the dark blue Mediterranean reflecting off the clear blue sky. If this was where Jews first came from then I wouldn't mind being a jew, not that I think Kyle's good looking or anything, what with that long nose, bright green eyes, soft fiery red curly hair, freckles...wait, what am I thinking? It's probably just this heat, stupid ass middle east.

When the plane lands, I make my way through many skull cap wearing dudes and their families. I never saw so many jews in one place before, there's even black ones! But whatever, I just wish I knew where Kyle was, even if he doesn't wanna see me, or better yet I wish I knew where I was! I look around the airport, there's some english signs, the rest of it is in that weird jewish language, and arabic, and russian...man I hope I can survive here.

I try to call a taxi but no one's stopping. After about an hour of false hope a cab finally stops for me, the driver speaks some english to me, mind you it's very broken. "Where you want go?" he asks. I don't really know, I just say the first city that pops into my head. "Uhh, Jerusalem?" Next thing I know i'm on one of the longest car trips i've ever had, I had no idea it would be this far. We stopped to pick up some people who were on their way near there but we didn't do any detours.

Once there I gawk in awe. I think this is where Kyle lives now, but it's so big, how am I ever gonna find him?

Wait, why do I still care about him? He doesn't wanna see me! He made it perfectly clear that he never wants to see me again.

I wander through the cobblestone streets of the old city, under many arch ways and near-ancient looking buildings, but I was so distracted by the scenery I wasn't watching where I was going,

"Hey! Watch it!" Shouted some kid with some weird checkered scarf around his neck and old tattered looking clothes that almost reminded me of Kenny's. I'm not in the mood for this.

"Make me, asshole!" I say totally unprovoked, I ran into him first, but still, his tone of voice was pissing me off. He gets up off the ground and shoves me up against the stone wall. This punk was stronger then he looked, his hair was dark brown and messy and his skin was dark olive, he had rips in his jeans and his shoes looked tattered. He gives me a sharp look and then releases me, looking irritated and distrusting.

"Sorry about that, kid." I said. The kid gave me a glare like he was hesitant to talk to me.

"I guess it's alright." he says. He starts to look me over, like he was inspecting me or something. "Are you an American?" He asks.

"Yeah, what of it?" I ask.

"You're not a Jew, are you?" He asks. My eyes widen, this kid must be an Arab, funny how the first person I meet in Israel isn't even Jewish.

"No, I fucking hate Jews." I say proudly. The kid grins but then says, "If you hate Jews, then what are you doing here?"

Should I really answer that? I may hate Jews but I don't hate Kyle, but he hates me. What a conundrum.

"None of your business." I say simply. The kid smirks and I ask. "If YOU hate Jews, then why do you live here?"

"Because those dirty Jewish Zionist assholes stole my homeland! I'm trying to get it back!" he replies. I think I like this kid.

"Ahh, so you're like a freedom fighter, huh?",

"Yeah! I was just on my way to my freedom fighters organization. We call ourselves 'The Junior PLO'. It's great I found an american who hates this place just as much as we do, most of you americans kiss Zionist Jew ass every day."

"Not me, I hate those goddamn Jews.", "That's cool, so do you wanna come to my club with me?"

I need to do something to keep my mind off of Kyle, and to just vent this unnerving frustration toward him.

"OK"

YO, sorry it's taken so long to post the next chapter. I've been busy with school and when I come home I'm tired and I got a crap ton of homework ^^;. I'll try to update sooner.


End file.
